I Can’t Sleep

It’s been a rough year. Again.

They all seem to be pretty rough recently.

This year, I was in and out of an emotionally abusive friendship/ex-relationship. Found out one of my exes had sexually assaulted multiple people. Was groped while wearing an Easter Bunny costume. And remember that time when Donald Trump became president?

I’m a hopeful person, which I guess is why I keep dating assholes, but I’m having a hard time feeling hopeful.

I always believed that if I worked hard, I could achieve anything.

My whole life I’ve been working hard. I worked hard in school and got good grades. People, especially males, called me lucky. I worked hard at my jobs, starting when I was seventeen and every summer, school year, winter break, all the time since. I’ve been writing every single day for the past three years believing that if I put in the work, someday it will pay off.

But I’m a woman. And now I fully believe that no one in the United States will ever see me as more than a pussy.

I have always believed in justice.

I thought that we were working together to achieve a more equitable society. I hoped that through my writings and through voting and through donating and through rallying we could move towards a country that supported black people, Indigenous people, Asian Americans, immigrants, LGBTQA+, Latinx, and all the people who don’t fit in any of the neat little categories.

Now I feel as though I’ve failed them all.

And myself.

I’m bisexual (pansexual, whatever you want to call it, the point is I’m not straight). I haven’t come out yet, not even to my family, because I’ve been afraid.

The fear was clearly justified.

I have been traumatized as a woman. This election result has further traumatized me. I know that many of my friends are even worse off because they aren’t white or cis-gender.

Let me just say this, if it was ever unclear.

I support trans-people.

I support Indigenous peoples.

I support lesbians.

I support black people.

I support immigrants, whatever your documentation status.

I support asexuals.

I support people with disabilities, mental or physical.

I support Muslims.

I support queer people of all flavor.

I support sexual assault survivors.

I support Asian Americans.

I support gay people.

I support Latinx.

I support women.

I’m not going to give up. As much as I want to. I’m going to keep working hard. I’m going to keep writing every day. I’m going to keep voting and rallying and donating and radicalizing as many people as possible. I’m going to keep believing that a better future is around the corner.

I can’t sleep.

One thought on “I Can’t Sleep

  1. Pingback: 2016: A Year in Review | What All The Kids Are Doing

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